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I divide the newsletter into 3 sections:
Social Impact Insights
Surf Synthesis
Tarot Inspiration
First, Sending Hugs During This Heavy Time
We’ve all had a tough month. Before digging into the Amber Heard story, I want to acknowledge the heavy feeling folks are having about the Roe draft, and of course all of our devastation around the mass gun murders/attacks over the last few weeks and months: NYC Subway; Dallas Hair Salon (Clear Racist Motive); Buffalo (Clear Racist Motive); and Uvalde. And even in the last 48 hours, there have been more gun attacks, in Tennessee and Oklahoma, and in other places as well.
I’ll talk about Roe and about gun safety in upcoming newsletters, so I can give each of these issues their proper attention/analysis. But I wanted to nod to the heaviness and the collective feeling of “un-safe-ness” that we’re all feeling these days as a result of so much bad news. And to remind us all that we do have the answers and the solutions, and that we can build the political will needed to make substantial change.
It’s always important to remember that the dark times we’re experiencing now are a direct backlash to the last 50-60 years of immense progress we’ve made on racial justice and gender equity. Change is slow, difficult, and painful, and yet committing to making positive change is always the right and uplifting way to go. We have to keep in mind that we’re setting ourselves up for the next 20-50 years of organizing for change.
Social Impact Insights: Amber Heard
I was in law school during the O.J. Simpson trial for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. I’ve often said, watching that trial—and all the pre-trial motions—was the best legal education I could have gotten. I was riveted, and I learned so much about how to be a lawyer, especially from prosecutor Marcia Clark. Plus I was working on issues of domestic and sexual violence, so I was fascinated to see how this would all play out in such a super-charged case.
I’ve followed the Heard/Depp case for years, but tried to avoid the defamation trial initially, given the outsized nature of social media fandom around Depp. But of course, I read one article a few days in, and then I was hooked.
The image I’m using in this section is the decades-old Power and Control Wheel, which is how I and many others trained on domestic and intimate partner violence learned about the issue. The Wheel is not perfect (I would change “Male Privilege” to “Identifying with the Patriarchy,” which people of all genders are at risk of doing, and use more gender-neutral language overall), but it does center the three prongs I think of as crucial when looking at domestic and intimate partner violence: Power, Control, and Isolation.
I worked for a long time on criminal justice cases involving allegations of “mutual abuse,” and I can say, the abuse is rarely mutual. Yes, there are incredibly toxic relationships with cruelty and volatility on all sides, and this appears to be one of them. But typically, one partner has more Power and Control than the other. So the partner with less Power and Control acts out in Reactive Abuse. Kicking, hitting, punching, verbal cruelty, which are all bad, but they rarely result in lasting damage at an emotional, financial, or social level. And the physical damage is typically in the context of a larger fight where self-defense or at least creating a distraction come into play.
We’ve all said it: No one knows what really happened between these two, and neither comes off as a particularly likable person. But when I look at who had the Power and Control, and who engaged in substantial Isolation tactics like trying to control clothing, jobs, and other relationships, I see Depp as being the Power Center of the relationship. Even his keeping Heard’s sister and friends around can be an isolation tactic, so she doesn’t have relationships that belong only to her. (This was a common tactic that O.J. used with Nicole.) And Depp’s issues with substance abuse have been legendary for decades. That affects a person’s functioning and emotional state as well.
And of course, younger people can engage in elder abuse and manipulation, but the 22-year age difference and his standing in Hollywood, along with his substantial net worth, gave Depp much more Power and Control and ability to Isolate in the relationship. And I don’t recall testimony or evidence of Heard trying to access Depp’s legal and financial instruments. She did engage in a huge fight with him over a potential post-nuptial agreement, so I won’t claim to understand their financial dynamics. But I don’t see a lot of elder abuse-style red flags in the reporting on this case.
In the last week, I was eager to talk to a group of Younger Millenial/Older Gen Z women about the case. And I assumed I was going to come off as extremely Gen X because I have a lot of critiques of Heard: I think it was a really bad idea to write the op-ed with little context of the volatility in the relationship, and to essentially violate the NDA on her divorce settlement. And the story that drew me into this defamation trial was that of an assistant’s testimony, where she stated that Heard had regularly screamed at and underpaid her. That made me deeply dislike Heard.
And I think Heard should have disclosed up front, years ago, her level of Reactive Abuse. It’s not a good dynamic, even if it’s an understandable coping mechanism to abuse. And it’s a really bad look in the context of the legal system. You have to roll out a clear and visible strategy to explain that kind of volatility in any legal or media case. I also think Heard’s currently un-funded charitable pledges were poorly managed and are a sign of bad judgment.
So I expected to be told I was being too harsh. Instead, I was shocked to see that I was the most sympathetic to Heard. These young women were angry at Heard for not disclosing her level of Reactive Abuse and for bringing into the public sphere such a complicated case of a toxic and volatile relationship under the headline of “abuse victim.” They are extremely concerned, as are many commenters, that Heard has made it all the more difficult for other survivors of violence to come forward.
And I don’t disagree. But with my optimistic take on social change, here is one win I do see: We’ve lowered the bar on likability for victims and survivors of abuse. For decades now, I and many others have pushed for victims not to have to be “perfect.” We’re operating well below that standard in this case. Now we are asking a different question: Does a victim/survivor need to be “likable” to be believed? Unfortunately, that appears to be true, as in all legal and media cases. But likable as the standard for victims/survivors is a huge jump forward from perfect, and for now, I’ll take that as a win.
Surf Synthesis + Tarot Inspiration: Nine of Swords
My last surf session was not great. I was having trouble with my positioning, which meant I had to paddle a lot just to keep in the vicinity of waves I could catch. So I was getting tired, not catching waves, and getting annoyed with myself. I had to stop and remind myself that I was in a joyful and happy place because I was in the ocean. And with some surf sessions, that has to be good enough.
In fact, this card, the Nine of Swords, is the one I think of the most when it comes to me and my surfing. With all those swords, the Air sign, signifying too many thoughts piercing a person seeking rest or peace, it is the card of thinking too much and not being in your body enough.
My husband, Jeff, and I saw Top Gun: Maverick this weekend, and one of its themes is, “Don’t Think, Just Do.” And I smiled, because that is very much the message of this card, as well as my constant mantra to myself when I’m surfing. Getting caught in my head never leads to good things.
And it feels like a message for these dark and heavy times we’re in right now. Following our communal human instinct is going to get us further than tripping up over too many loud cross-currents of thoughts in our collective mental space.
More to come! Let me know what you want more of in these newsletters, subscribe, and share with others who you think will be interested.